and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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