Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
