My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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