Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize