this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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