I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize