She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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