how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
