Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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