Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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