My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
