Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
