Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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