dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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