well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
