Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
