I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize