mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
