I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
