life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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