She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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