So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
