ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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