at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
