You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
A bitchslap is in order.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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