i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
