I cockslap morals
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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