apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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