you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
