Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize