I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
