New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
