is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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