You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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