Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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