I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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