Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
