I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
