I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
