YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
