i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
