The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
