A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We left the knife in your bed.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
