You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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