Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
