I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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