She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
