he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
