Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
