i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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