meet me or not, i'm out of control
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
