i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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