you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
