SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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