I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize